Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking of all the things I want to say.  It has been far too long since I put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard in this case, and my soul has longed to bear its pains, and joys, triumphs, and failures.  Life is busy, as you all know.  And usually my own selfish desires to relinquish these thoughts take a back seat.

So tonight I won’t present all that has come to fruition in the past couple years.  But I will share bits and pieces of what our life is like now.  And what better place to start than Mother’s Day…

I woke up this Mother’s Day and the first thing I saw out of my window was a Cardinal.  Oh my sweet Michael…I mumbled under my breath.  What a sweet reminder of how God orchestrates even the small details of our lives.  My husband  snuck out with the kids that morning and surprised me with my favorite breakfast. I even got to sleep in a little later, which is a rarity with two little ones, and a third baby on the way.  If it’s not my youngest (19 months) calling for me at 2 am, it’s my pregnancy bladder keeping me up at all hours of the night.  Life with my boys has been such a humbling and adventurous journey.  I wake up, and need to seek God each day to handle all the small and grand moments that raising toddlers can bring.  But God always equips me, and gives me the strength and guidance I need.  Thank goodness his grace and mercies are new each morning.  So often I feel as I fail, but in my calling as a mother I find it of great responsibility to lead my children to live honorable lives, and to preserve their childhood the best I can.

Malachi has grown so much since the last time I wrote, I barely know where to begin.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with emotion thinking about his life journey.  There have been so many times he had to be brave.  He had to endure.  But through each life experience, he has molded into such a bright, tender four year old.  He asks more questions in a day than I have answers.  And his thirst for knowledge is unquenchable.  It is hard to believe that the boy I once cried over, who barely spoke a word until age 2, is now never at a loss for words.

I recall an evening of holding Malachi in the special care nursery at the hospital.  Malachi was about 4 months old, and by this point we were preparing to take him home in the near future.  It was during this time I was reminded time and time again of the struggles he would face as he grew older.  His bulging VP shunt from his small head, the frequent “only time will tell” responses from doctors, and the brain scans that showed irreversible damage-all a reminder to me of the long and challenging road we had ahead of us.  But as I held that baby in my arms, who at this point felt quite large after once cuddling his 1 lb fragile body-I remember praying out loud, praying fervently for his future.  There is so much power in our words.  I wanted to be sure my words would reach heaven.  Even though I was given very little hope for a future-I recited “Lord-Malachi will live and not die” “you have given him a hope and a future.”  I prayed that no matter what challenges lie ahead-he would be used by God in a mighty way. I prayed for healing-but I also knew that ultimately Gods plan were higher than mine.  We would face the days that lied ahead and overwhelm him with love along the way. We were not always brave, nor strong, and sometimes our faith was hard to gather…but HE remained faithful in our circumstance.  Always supplying our needs.  It has not been an easy road.  Malachi still has therapies that help improve his fine motor coordination, his high muscle tone, and feeding independence and abilities.  Even so- Malachi has been called a miracle by many in the health profession.  It is hard to look at his early brain scans-indicating blood filled ventricles, swelling and dead tissue-and to look at him and see his abilities.  He can run, and jump.  He is passionate about reading, so much so that we could sit and read books for hours at a time.  He is the most curious kid I’ve ever encountered.  But more importantly,  he has a sweet spirit, and a kind heart.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think most people that have spent a considerable amount of time with him know that there is just something special about him.  A quality you can teach, but one that God placed inside of him.

He is eating more, and chewing better than he ever has before.  And even though we need his Gtube to supplement his feeding, and to administer medications for his chronic bowel issues-he has made such immense progress this year.  Anyone that has specific questions about his G-tube, or feeding issues-we always welcome questions and are very open about his struggles.  As he is getting older I try to limit too many details to ensure his privacy-but I don’t mind sending private messages.

Malachi is also a pretty incredible big brother to Noah.  And yes-they fight and get “rough” sometimes-but the bond they have is so special.  I mean, before bed tonight Noah practically cried for a goodnight kiss from his brother.  Noah is such a ball of personality.  It has been very eye opening raising Noah after going through the trials with Malachi.  I remember coming home from the hospital the next day after he was born thinking “this is just too easy!”  He has always reached milestones super fast, and talks nonstop-something I wasn’t prepared for after having a practically nonverbal one year old while raising Malachi.   It almost seems unfair to even compare the two.  But they could not be more different.  Noah has the sweetest gap toothed grin, and loves to eat “snacks” ALL day long.  He tells me “I wanna try I wanna try” every time I eat around him, wants to see the “moo cows” every morning, and thinks he can get “chockey” (chocolate) every time Malachi goes potty. He has brought a lot of love and laughter into our lives, and has given Malachi a forever friend.

As I reflect on my life so far, I feel like life truly began for me when I became a mother.  We tried for 2 years to get pregnant.  We were told at one point I had “unexplained infertility.” We tried medications.  We had a miscarriage.  We have held a lifeless little boy in our arms.  A boy we loved more than life itself, and buried him in the ground.  Jake and I have  grown as a couple.  We have fought, and wept together.  We have grown in love through life’s bitter moments.  We have been through devastation and triumphs, and have seen God work in and through our darkest hour.  One thing remains unchanging-God is good.  He is faithful.  He is loving.  As we prepare to welcome a third child into the world we pray God guides us as he always has.  I am always anxious with my history of preterm labor.  But, as a friend of mine always says, and a mother of a former micropreemie herself-“faith over fear.”  We will face life’s challenges knowing that He will equip us.  So to whomever is still reading this, God bless you.  Life won’t always be perfect.  Life is messy.  But He is always there to lead us.  To pick us up. And to remind us who we are in Him.