Dear precious Malachi,

My world stood still the first time I laid eyes on you. In fact, if I close my eyes I can still see your fragile body just as vividly as I could a year ago.

This image always stands out in my mind when I feel worried about what the future holds for you. I think about how far you have come…the mountains you have overcome, and the progression we have seen.

God has certainly had his hand on you from the start.

It always amazes me to think that the God of the universe heard our pleas and cries, and choose your life to spare.

A year ago I couldn’t touch you, or talk too loudly in your presence. Instead, we filled your room with whispers of lullabies, and quiet streams of tears as we pleaded with God to save your life. With every odd and statistic telling us that each second may be your last, we stayed by your side. We believed in you, even when a reality of a life with you seemed unrealistic and unattainable.

With each new diagnosis, including an intraventricular hemorrhage and resulting hydrocephalus, our hopes of a future with you seemed more bleak. And yet, after 6 weeks on a ventilator, 137 days in the hospital, 2 brain surgeries, 1 abdominal surgery, and what seems like a thousand barbaric eye exams, needle sticks, and doctor appointments later…here you are!

It is with so much gratitude and grace that we celebrate your first birthday.

Time has been so surreal this year, with those early days in the NICU seeming to drag on so painstaking slow, as we rejoiced in every second that you remained here on this Earth with us. And yet, I feel like this year has come and gone so quickly…with the highest of highs, and lowest of lows.

Throughout this year you have shown us your strength and perseverance to live. Even through all the pain you have been through, you remain so full of life and delight. You are our number one hero, and the child that we prayed for with such vigilance.

You have impacted this world so greatly in just this short first year. You have had so many people praying for you, people that you have never met. Complete strangers and people from all across the world lifted your name up in prayer.

You have restored people’s faith, and made us believe that miracles really are possible. That all things are possible in Christ.

Because of your birth, your mommy and daddy have been forever changed. We see the light of God shining down on you with each passing day-and we feel so privileged to call you “ours.”

And to think-this is just the beginning.

We enjoy every moment of watching you grow. Even with all the fears and worries, we know that you will grow to be the exact person that God has intended you to be.

We are so proud of you.

We know that your brother is looking down on you and smiling. He is living and breathing in and through you. I can sense his presence when I hold you close.

You are the little boy that wasn’t supposed to survive. The boy whom was deemed to live a life that was “less than quality.”

But God had a greater plan.

You are my smiling, cuddly, lovey boy. The boy that loves peek-a-boo, and laughs with such jubilance. The most determined boy, who pulls up on everything. Who is fearless-and crawls around, despite having high muscle tone in his legs and arms.

You amaze me Malachi.

I love you so much. I REJOICE in you today and every day.

Xo,

Mommy

 

 

My precious Michael,

I watched balloons rise high to the sky today, to wish you the happiest of birthdays in heaven.

I held back sobs of tears as a heaviness fell on me. I thought, “he should be here.”

But even in the midst of all the emotions that I am feeling today, as I relive your birth, I can’t help but smile as I think of the first time I saw you.

11:08 p.m. 1 lb 6 oz of pure sweetness.

Your delivery was not easy. It was full of tears, and crushing pain; but being able to give birth to you was worth everything.

I feel so privileged that God handpicked me to be your mother. To carry you in my womb, and give birth to you and your brother. Even though your life here on Earth was painstakingly too short, it was also meaningful.

I don’t understand why it all happened the way it did, and why we have to remain so far away…but I will always love you with an intensity beyond belief.

Forever I will grieve you, but especially on this day…December 28th.

Sometimes I wonder if God allowed you to live and then die so that I could be used as his vessel. So that such depths of pain and brokenness could then be turned into usefulness for the kingdom of God. It doesn’t take away the pain and void that I feel as your mother, but knowing there is purpose in your existence helps to shed light to my aching soul.

I am forever changed because of your life. I love harder, and feel deeper. Heaven feels closer, and this finite life seems so brief. For I know that this is not my home. No…Home is with you. You are where we all long to be.

I want you to know that I am so proud of how hard you fought in the NICU. You were a little rock star, who had all the doctors blown away by your will to live. And like a thief in the night, infection and sepsis snuck in to steal my little bundle of joy…My life…my baby boy.

YOU Michael are just as precious to me now as the day you were born. It is with such tenderness and affection that I dwell on your life today and always.

Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for living long enough for me to love on you, to hold you, and tell you how wonderful you are. I truly believe that God allowed you to live those 3 weeks for your daddy and I. We needed to know you. We needed to hold you, and love you, and feel a part of your life.

I’ll never forget the warmth of you on my skin, and how your touch melted all my fear away. I never stopped believing in you. Even in your last seconds of life, I hope it was evident to you the depths of my love. A mother’s love is the strongest love there is.

You are not just a statistic. You are my son. My baby. And I will never get over the loss of you. But it is with such great honor that I call you MINE.

My wish for you today on your first heavenly birthday, is that your life and legacy will be remembered. That your memory will leave a lasting mark on all who knew you and took care of you.

I love you Michael. Forever my baby you’ll be.

Xo,

Mommy