Daddy is home, and the house smells of Frasier fir, with a tint of homemade chicken and rice soup, just like grandma used to make. YUM.

Malachi is crawling around the living room, and trying to pull up on just about anything he can get his hands onto.

Michaels white and gold Christmas tree is blaring in the corner of the room, and it is almost as if his very spirit is beaming.

This Christmas is certainly different.

I can’t help but feel like I am entering this Christmas with both feelings of absolute delight and yet, a great big pit in my stomach.

It’s hard to explain.

I don’t want to come off as ungrateful. In fact, just the other day, my mom said “I am so beyond grateful that Malachi survived…I couldn’t imagine life without him.” And that is exactly why I am overwhelmed this Christmas. Overwhelmed with gratitude that my sweet loving Malachi is HERE. But, there is also a hint of great despair as I enter this holiday without my precious Michael.

I am not going to lie. It is hard.

But, I refuse to let my despair dampen my Christmas spirit. Michael is in the very presence of our Lord and Savior, the very reason for the season.

Yes, my heart is so heavy; but then again- I am oh so grateful. So full from within.

This time last year I was very much “feeling” pregnant. In fact, I remember having a hard time just wrapping presents, with my big belly in the way. In a sense these memories bring joy…my sweet babies were safe inside of me. And yet, I also feel great sadness as I remember their little kicks and moves from within me, and how I would sing to them every night. I wish I could just hold onto those moments in time forever. I wish I could just feel Michael one more time…

You see, in some aspects, I am overwhelmed with gladness this Christmas. With this newfound joy that is both tangible and felt with such depth.

Malachi is making gross motor strides that I could not  have even dreamed we would be seeing at this point in his life.

He had an amazing MRI report last week. One that showed his ventricles in his brain have gone back to normal size, which the doctors told us was not possible considering the “vast damage” that was caused from his intraventricular hemorrhage at birth. His brain is growing, and he is learning new things every day. We cannot help but feel so grateful for the miracles and progression we have seen in his life.

We have even started new-fangled traditions, such as cookies for Santa, Christmas pajamas, and giving to a child in need in memory of Michael.

We have had fresh memories to cherish, like picking out a Christmas tree with a baby on my hip, and trying to adjust to a baby that is suddenly mobile, while ornaments are just screaming to be touched and mangled, and stockings are begging to be pulled off the shelf.

Its fun. It is exiting, new, and fresh.

There are wonderful things that are happening this Christmas, and even so, there is also a lot of heart ache.

Not just for me, but for so many families entering this holiday. So many people that have a heaviness in their hearts. A spirit that is crushed. There are people that are hanging on by the grit of their teeth.

You see, just a few miles down the road, there is a beautiful black headstone adored with a white tree and ribbon where a little boy rests. This little boy should be joining in on all the fun, the traditions, and laughter. But instead, his mother’s heart and arms are left with an emptiness that only his presence could fill.

Right now I know of a little boy that is going to spend Christmas in a hip cast that severely limits his mobility. There are babies in NICUs and children in PICUs all over this country. There are people who are out of work, and those that are struggling just to pay their light bill, let alone Christmas presents for their family. There are mothers who are grieving the loss of their children, and mothers wondering if their child will even survive until morning. There are broken families. There is real pain. Real fear. Real hurt.

We need a perception change.

YES, Christmas is a season of spending time with your family. For parties, and gatherings…and sharing memories and laughter with the ones we love. But, it is so much more.

My fear is that we will leave Christmas morning with torn wrapping paper, the greatest gifts imaginable…with stomachs that are full and content…and hearts that are left empty and unprepared.

So many of us are living with our “visor” or “shades” on. These are the things in our lives that keep us solely focused on OUR life and OUR problems. We all need our visors ripped off in a sense.

This is my hope for you this Christmas.

That you will see beyond your daily interactions and feelings, and begin to search for God’s love and grace in your life like never before.

We are called to be the light of the world. To demonstrate love, just like our father, whom shows us the greatest love of all. I pray that you will enter this Christmas and New Year with a greater love, and purpose.

Lord, give us hearts to embrace the plans you have for our lives, so that we can accomplish what YOU have in mind. Give us eyes to see the hurt and fragile people in our lives. To reach out beyond our families, churches, and comfort zones…and to grow in a deeper and richer relationship with you.

Lord, let our eyes stay focused on you, so we don’t get distracted by appearance, possessions, and social media propaganda. For we know that these things mean nothing if our lives are not one of purpose.

May our lives be fruitful in your eyes. And even in the all the commotion of the holidays, let us still make the time to honor and glorify YOU.

Lord, you are the great comforter for all those that are weak and weary. You see me in my brokenness, and desire to mend my heart, and make it a vessel for your usefulness. You see the worries I have about Malachi…his struggle to eat, and communicate.

You see the void that is in my heart as I face this first Christmas without Michael. You know it all. And you care, so deeply.

To all those that are hurting this Christmas season, you not alone. But through HIM, we are more than conquerors. Within our souls we have great love and purpose just waiting to be ignited. Behind our layers of scars and wounds, there is real strength, laughter, and joy.

Take time this season to mourn and cry…but also allow yourself to feel goodness. There is greatness within us all, we just have to unleash the potential that is inside.

Merry Christmas to all, whether bittersweet, or filled with cheer. We all have something to celebrate this year.