April 21st-my due date.

Today is the day that we should be rushing to the hospital with both joy and nerves awaiting the arrival of my twin boys. Today I was supposed to hold my sweet healthy boys on my chest and gaze into their eyes. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. And while today is not as expected, and I have been a little more tearful, I choose to be happy and focus on the blessings! Although I remain in a hospital room with walls that seem to be closing in, I am holding my miracle baby boy, gazing into his beautiful eyes.

Today especially I am thinking about the son I lost. Yes, I think of YOU Michael…every second. You are my perfect son that had to leave this earth far too soon. You will always be remembered! My heart aches knowing you are not here to share in my cuddles. How I long to kiss on you and give you all the love I have to share.

(Michael on left; Malachi on right)

Today I also think of you Malachi…how far you have come, and the obstacles you must still overcome. And how the very hand of God is shaping your life. Today makes day 115 in the hospital. Malachi will be four months next week, and he is 40 weeks gestational “corrected age” today (April 21st, 2015).

I don’t regret not keeping a diary/journal or blog right after the boys were born. It was hard enough to leave their side to eat, let alone write down the dark nightmare that somehow became my reality. I have so many stories I want to share, but in those first few weeks all I wanted to do was be by my babies side. I didn’t know if they were going to live or die, and I pleaded with God, in desperation “please don’t take my babies”. I have vivid images that stand in my mind. From the doom that overtook me the moment my water broke at 23 weeks, to the absolute brokenness I felt when the NICU doctor told me the slim chance that my children would even survive birth, let alone the journey ahead of them. They gave me a laundry list of possible complications, as my body was trembling and contracting in pain. My mind couldn’t process it all, it was all happening too fast.

When they advised me that it may be best not to monitor the babies in my womb I denied. I wanted everything to be done to save my children, even if death seemed eminent. I knew God was in control; this was the plan he chose for me…they had to try to save them. I remember the dread that overtook me like a flood after the babies were delivered and I looked over at Jake…tears streaming down his face. I asked, with fear eluding from my inmost being, are they alive??? It took 10-20 minutes for the babies to be revived and intubated, and then they were rushed to the intensive care where several lines and machines were hooked up to them. I remember the first time I saw them, their eyes still fused shut, their skin paper thin…hanging onto life. Helpless is how I felt. I grieved them not being safe inside me. I grieved knowing there was nothing I could do but wait. Wait, and pray, and hope.

” I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5 NIV)”

I spent days, weeks, months in a state of mind that that was both fearful and agonizing. To watch my boys lay helpless in isolates, having blood drawn, and tubes in every orifice ached me to the core. All I could do was pray and try to be with them. I just longed for them to know me, know that I was there and that I loved them with everything I had. I didn’t have time to comprehend life. Life was, and still is on hold for me.

Months of fervent prayer and seeking Gods word for clarity and understanding of my circumstance is what has and continues to get me through each day. Stories about other babies born premature that are doing “fine” were great to hear, but not comforting. The truth is, there are good stories and there are horror stories with every preemie birth. The nurses said that 5 years ago they did not even go to 23 week births because they were considered “not viable.” Each week they stay in the womb makes a drastic difference. Even with modern technology 23 weekers have a 20% or less survival rate, and high rates of a life that is not quality. This is the reality I had to face as I watched my children fight day in and out for their lives. I have learned so much through Gods word about human suffering, and while it is easy to muddle in self pity, God chose jake and I, and our families (for they suffer right along with us) to endure this battle, and he is faithful to bring us through.

“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.” (Deuteronomy 7:9 NIV)

While going through the fire it’s hard to see Gods light and its easy to feel engulfed with negative thoughts; but it is through his mighty hands that Malachi is here and is living today. Yes, we do not know the full picture on how life will be for Malachi, but we choose to believe he is and continues to be healed; we believe he will have a quality life. Each day is still hard, and we long for the day when we can be home, but we know that we do not walk this path alone. It’s hard to see Gods light in the darkest hour. I have to be honest, having my cold grey baby handed into my arms for me to kiss him his final goodbye was beyond excruciating. It was hard to feel Gods presence when my sons head was swelling and the only way to relieve the pressure was for a long needle to be inserted into his tiny head through his “soft spot” and fluid to be drained. It is hard to swallow the pill that my son has a brain bleed that could effect his functioning for the rest of his life. But in moments like this God is still there. Even when you feel like you are alone and have been forsaken, he is there to comfort and bring joy and peace. I look into Malachi’s sweet face, I hold him tight and know it was worth it. I think of that heavenly day when I will be reunited with my precious boy Michael and know…it will be worth it. It’s comforting to know that this life is just a glimpse – a blink of an eye, and that our forever home will be in the very presence of God. Even though I feel tired and weary I serve a everlasting God! One that is faithful to bring me through and accomplish what at times seems impossible.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” (Isaiah 40:28-29 NIV)

I want to leave you with bible scripture that really spoke to me this week…

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV)

When this post was written Malachi weighed 6 lb. He was drinking 1-2 oz from the bottle (thickened with rice cereal).  He was having severe bradycardia, which is why we remained hospitalized.